In the meadow, cows stand lazily under the shade of a tree. They swish their tails. They chew their cuds. They stand there so unperturbed by their surroundings.
What is a cud? Cows chew and chew and chew. They finally swallow what they are chewing. Then they regurgitate and chew some more. They may do this several times. Cows find it so satisfying to chew their cud over and over again.
I am like that when I rehash resentments. I mull then over and over in my mind. I may choose to swallow them and forget about them for a time. But after a while I rehearse the circumstances over again, finding satisfaction in my justifiable resentments. In reality, what I am doing is regurgitating them. I want to taste them again. I find delight in doing so. Isn’t that a disgusting thought? But really, if you think about, that is exactly what I am doing.
As a sexaholic, I cannot afford to hold on to resentments. They threaten my sobriety. May I learn to recoil from resentments as I would recoil from my own “regurgitation”.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
A Stone Wall
One spring day, I walked upon a stone wall. As the young will do, I pondered the meaning of life. I was nearing the end of my college years. It seemed as if I was coming to an abrupt halt after so many years of learning.
I continued to walk on the wall. Ahead of me, I saw many trees covered with flowers and showing signs of new growth. Violets nestled in the grass below me. The sky was blue and white and vast above me. Everything around me was alive and vibrant. Maybe my life wasn’t coming to a halt. Maybe, like spring, I was entering a new season, a new kind of learning. Maybe the wall did not represent a barrier on my journey. Maybe it was more like a bridge. A bridge towards hope. A bridge leading to growth and change.
My life came to an abrupt halt when I started on the path of addiction. It was as if a stone wall blocked my way. I became stunted. I stopped developing into the person that God intended me to be. But addiction need not be a barrier. I can start on a new path of learning. The 12 steps provide the bridge. Through these steps and the fellowship, I enter a new season. My life now is filled with hope and growth and change.
I continued to walk on the wall. Ahead of me, I saw many trees covered with flowers and showing signs of new growth. Violets nestled in the grass below me. The sky was blue and white and vast above me. Everything around me was alive and vibrant. Maybe my life wasn’t coming to a halt. Maybe, like spring, I was entering a new season, a new kind of learning. Maybe the wall did not represent a barrier on my journey. Maybe it was more like a bridge. A bridge towards hope. A bridge leading to growth and change.
My life came to an abrupt halt when I started on the path of addiction. It was as if a stone wall blocked my way. I became stunted. I stopped developing into the person that God intended me to be. But addiction need not be a barrier. I can start on a new path of learning. The 12 steps provide the bridge. Through these steps and the fellowship, I enter a new season. My life now is filled with hope and growth and change.
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