Intense Pursuit

God intensely pursues us. His strong Feet and Voice patiently seek after us. Patiently, persistently, relentlessly, unceasingly They pursue us. His Hand caressingly reaches out for us, to hold us and to touch us and to feel us and to know us. His gentle yet peering Gaze strips us of our defenses. In our fear of intimacy, we flee. We hide – as if we can hide from His gentle all knowingness. This knowingness penetrates our gaping hearts and desires to fill the hole within us. We crouch as if trying to cover ourselves. He gently parts the veil of our fears and sees. He longs, yearns, pleads for our restless spirits to quieten for just a moment, a moment with Him.

these thoughts were inspired by "Hound of Heaven", Francis Thompson

Be Still

As I sit today to write, my body is jittery. My thoughts are jumbled. My spirit is unsettled. I need to take some time to quiet myself down. Right now, I need to slow down in all three areas – body, mind and spirit. I need to stop for a few moments so that God can bring balance and harmony into my life. In this moment, I need to stop “doing” so that I can just be a “being”.

I’ve read: “Be still and know that I am God.” I also like: Be still and know that I am me.

I stop, close my eyes, breathe deeply and feel my body relax. I take just a moment to stop the rat race in my mind. I drink in the presence of the Presence.

Ashes

A forest stands powerless before a fire. The fire rages, swiftly consuming all that stands in its path. It is out of control. What was once a forest is now burnt and barren. Nothing but ashes. Nothing untouched. Then, unbelievably, the ashes left behind enrich the soil. They become a bed for new growth. And after a time new life does appear. Miraculous, that something so destroyed can become beautiful again.

My life was destroyed by addiction. I was the fire. My choices had consumed everything in their wake. I was out of control. It seemed as if the only thing left was ash. But my Higher Power took those very ashes and began his work. I admitted utter powerlessness and through that admission God began to restore me. It is a process. It takes time for that new growth to appear. But as surely as a forest can be rebuilt after a fire, my life can be rebuilt as well. Unbelievably, my very weakness, my addiction, becomes the vehicle by which God draws me to himself. Unbelievably, I am relieved of my bondage. God uses my past and my difficulties to bring others into recovery. I bear witness to God’s power and his love. I have a new way of life.

A Prayer

The Lord’s Prayer is a prayer that many of us say at the close of our meetings. For whatever reason, it’s the prayer that the early AA’s chose to recite together. Although this prayer carries a connection to some specific religious circles, it also has a sense of universality. We feel connected as we circle to together and share its familiar words in the intimacy of our recovery groups.

As an addict, the words “give us this day our daily bread” mean a great deal to me. They remind me of my utter dependence on God. They help me to remember my need to live life one day at a time. They remind me that my Higher Power desires to have me come on a daily basis to ask for my needs to be met. I ask for this day and for this day, my God supplies.

The Turning Point

Today is a new day. A brand new gift from my Higher Power. A “turning point”. Today I can choose to embrace my new life. I can choose freedom and recovery. God’s protection is always with me when I surrender my life to him. But I can also stand at this same turning point and choose to return to my old ways. I can choose to act out in my addiction. Today I find myself at a turning point. By the grace of God, may I choose his way. May I choose recovery.

Second Step Prayer:
God, I’m standing at the turning point right now. Give me your protection and care as I abandon myself to you and give up my old ways and old ideas, just for today. (Big Book pp 58-59)

The Paralytic

An ancient story tells of a paralytic. He is carried by four of his friends to a man of healing. When they arrive, there is a large crowd. The friends need to go out of their way to reach their goal. Happily, the man is healed of his affliction. He is able to walk with his friends now at his side.

I am like the paralytic. My life was frozen in my addiction. Then my friends carried the message of recovery to me. They went out of their way and gave of their time. Happily, I received what they had to share. While I wasn’t healed, my disease went into remission. As long as I work the steps of recovery, I am now able to walk in a new way. Thankfully, my friends are still at my side. I cannot walk alone. I need the fellowship of the program to support me on my journey.

A Tribute to My Higher Power

God, I come into your presence
And I bare to you these scars.
Some received in private battle
Some obtained in public wars
Even some were self-inflicted
But no matter how they came
I now bare them all before you
To the honor of your name.

All my wounds cry Alleluia.
All my bruises honor you.
Every scar is just a trophy
Of your grace that brought me through.
And the tears I wept before you
When I didn’t understand,
Are now diamonds of recovery
Sparkling in your very hands


Adapted from:
All My Wounds Cry Alleluia, Clay McClean

A Geode

The outside of a geode is rather ordinary looking, if not ugly. There is little to tell of the treasures inside. A vice is needed to grip the geode tightly. Then certain techniques are applied to crack it open and reveal its hidden wonders. Left alone, no one would begin to guess its miraculous, glittering contents.

My life as an addict is like a geode. I am a rock. Alone. Closed off from the world. I am afraid to let anyone in. I consider myself, and my ways of acting out, to be quite ugly. I find myself in the grips of addiction, unable to escape.

Then I am exposed to the steps of recovery. I begin to allow myself to be cracked open. The healing is wondrous. I am no longer alone. My inner life becomes a shining miracle of God’s abundant grace.

Surrender

Someone once asked me the secret of victorious living. I told him that there is no magic formula. But if any one word could describe it, it would be surrender.

You may ask, "How can I surrender my life?"...There needs to be confession of wrongs and a complete yielding of every area of our lives, personalities, and wills to our Higher Power -- plus faith that God will accept that commitment.

It's not enough for us to have taken the Third Step. It is not enough to have prayed, for the first time, at a specific point in time, the third step prayer. We cannot walk successfully in the glow of that experience for the rest of our lives. We need to return and renew those commitments with God on a daily basis. We need to take inventory and have regular spiritual checkups.

.....daily surrender -- that's the key to daily victory.

adapted from Hope for Each Day, Graham

Incense

Gold and silver are not beautiful and pure until heat is applied. The dross then comes to the surface so that it can be skimmed off. Diamonds, before the chisel, are inert, ugly rocks. Incense, without fire, has no sweet smell.

In recovery, the heat of the steps allows my defects to surface and be removed. The diamond chisel of member relating to program member turns my life into one that radiates the light of my new found freedom. The fire of the working of my Higher Power burns through me. I am the incense, a fragrance for all I touch.

Essentials for Recovery

There are essentials for the management of diabetes. I know. I have the disease. It is important for me to build a daily plan for health into my life. Included are the disciplines of daily medication, exercise and nutrition. I will never be free from diabetes. However, I can keep my disease in remission.

I have another disease. It is the disease of addiction. It is important for the management of my addiction to also incorporate specific disciplines. I must practice daily prayer and meditation, or contact with my Higher Power. This can be in whatever way is meaningful to me. I need to be “exercising” the Steps, yes actively and in written form, working the Steps on a daily basis. For my diabetes I work with a nutritionist. In my recovery program I have a sponsor. I practice accountability through a short daily phone call with my sponsor.

I have had the disease of diabetes for over a year now. By including what I need in my plan for health, I have been able to keep my diabetes under control. I admitted that I was powerless over addiction over 14 years ago. Today I practice these daily disciplines of prayer, step work and accountability, all built on a foundation of rigorous honesty. I do not control my addiction, but I am recovering. I am “in remission”. By the grace of God, I will continue to do so, one day at a time.

Not a Slip

A slip is an accident. I have nothing to do with it. It comes across my path like a discarded banana peel. Before I know it, I’ve taken a terrific fall.

On the other hand, when a temptation to act out on my addiction comes along, my response is not an accident. I can choose the path to recovery. I can choose to surrender and release the temptation and walk free. Or if I like, I can choose to act in a manner contrary to my recovery. I can choose to deliberately act against myself. If I do, I am responsible for my fall. My intent and my choices will have led to that fall.

In program, I learn that I have a choice. No, I can’t control temptations. But I can choose to not fall into them. Let’s call it what it is. It is not just a “slip”. It’s an “ASD”, an Act of Self Destruction.

The Weaver

(author unknown)

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors.
He worketh steadily.
Oft time he weaves in sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget he sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttle cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern he hath planned.

I heard this at a conference especially for addicts. My hope is that it will bless you as it has blessed me.

Birds

Temptations to return to my addiction abound. You might say, in many ways, that temptations are like birds. It is almost as if they are “in the air". They may just fly way up above me, barely making their presence known. These may be among the most difficult because of their subtlety. Sometimes they circle overhead. I am well aware that they are there. At times they come in flocks. It is if they swoop and dive, actively seeking me as their prey. Then there are the times where it seems to be all but impossible to keep them from landing and taking over my life.

There is nothing wrong with being tempted. In program I have learned that while temptations do come, I do not have to give in to them. Every time, I can surrender and find peace. Each and every time, I can choose to remain free from my addiction. As my first sponsor used to say, “Birds will fly over my head but I don’t have to let them build a nest in my hair!”.

Acceptance

Resentment is the number one killer of addicts. It surely leads me right back to my disease. But when I pray for the one that I resent, God can relieve me of my resentment. I have discovered a set of prayers that have been very effective in my life in transforming my negative attitudes:

1) First settle myself in God’s presence.
2) Then pray to accept the situation.
3) Pray that God can work in me to free me from any resentment.
4) Ask that I might be able to treat the person in a way that God would desire.
5) Pray that God would abundantly bless that person.
6) Then pray that I might be able to leave any outcome in God’s hands.

Mine is a disease of misconnections. But I have found that what started as a misconnection can move to forgiveness and acceptance by the grace and working of my Higher Power.

Nancy S.
Adapted from Recovery Continues p. 93

The Fellowship

Redwood trees have shallow roots. Standing by themselves, with one small wind they easily topple. It is only by interlocking with the root systems of others that they are able to grow strong and tall, a beautiful tribute to God’s creation.

As an addict, I am only “one drink” away from “toppling” and going back “out there”. The fellowship offers me the support system of other recovering addicts to help me to grow strong – strong in recovery – and able to stand tall and free. I become a beautiful example of what my Higher Power can do in one life, surrounded by the fellowship of others

A Diamond

The minimum number of cuts that a diamond is required to have in order to meet certain specifications is 52. As gift, I recently received a very beautiful diamond pendant. This diamond was not ordinary. It had 72 cuts or 72 beautiful facets with which to reflect the many colors of light.

My life as an addict was full of bumps and bruises. It was unmanageable. I was insane. Many times I hurt or "cut" myself deeply. It often seemed as if I had many more cuts than most. Then somehow, someway, my Higher Power took those very cuts and fashioned me into a “diamond”. I no longer regret my past, nor wish to shut the door on it. Somehow, I see that my past and my experiences as an addict can now be used to benefit others. I reflect what I have received. I reflect the beautiful light of recovery

Crocuses

I planted bulbs last fall. They didn’t look like much. They looked dried and dead. They certainly didn’t look like flowers.

In late winter a miraculous thing happened. While it was still frosty, little green shoots started to peek themselves out of the cold hard ground. Soon buds formed. Then the crocus blooms appeared. They lifted their heads, a joyous demonstration of God’s creation.

My life as an addict didn’t look like much either. Then the opportunity for a new way was offered to me. While my defects were still glaring, the miracle of sobriety was given to me. Then, little by little, a life of recovery started to bloom. What a wondrous thing! I am now able, by the grace of God, to stand tall, joyous and free.

God Keeps Me Sober

As a trapeze artist, the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything. The flyer simply stretches out his arms and hands and waits for the catcher to catch and pull the flyer to safety.

As an addict, I am the "flyer" and my Higher Power is the "catcher". "Don't be afraid. Remember.... God will be there when you make your long jump. He is the catcher. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust."

adapted from Nouwen, Our Greatest Gift