Meditations for Addicts

Three Slogans

2009-05-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

Acceptance is a big part of my program today. Acceptance keeps me out of expectations (premeditated resentments), resentments, and revisited resentments. I can take “hits” off of any of these and these hits can lead me directly to lust. One thing that helps me a great deal is using three simple slogans.

“It is what it is.” This reminds me that the circumstances of my life, in this very moment, are what they are. It is of no use to fret over them. “You are Who You are.” speaks of the awesome greatness of my God. He is the great I AM. He can handle any situation that is confronting me. “I am who I am.” tells me that I am exactly who God wants me to be in this very moment. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have character defects that need to be changed. It just means that today I accept where I am in the process.

“It is what it is.” “You are Who You are.” “I am who I am.” All are good slogans to remember on the road of recovery.

Rain

2009-04-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

I love the feeling of a warm spring rain on my face. There is a certain sweet smell and the pleasant sound of drops as they fall. Rain softens the ground, preparing it for new growth.

I can reach out my hand then close it into a fist, but I cannot grasp the rain. As hard as I try, my closed fist cannot capture it. If instead, I open my fist and reach out my hands, palms up, the rain will softly fall into them. I still cannot grasp it but I can “receive” it.

Today I desire to surrender to the sweet working of the power of God in my life. I open myself up. I reach out to him and receive the warmth of his spirit. He softens me and prepares my life for growth and fruit. It’s hard to explain, but I can’t hold his spirit with a “clenched fist”. Each day, I must open my life and look to him. One day at a time, I receive many blessings from my Higher Power.

God, reign in me!

The Most Holy Trinity

2009-04-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

The Lover looked down
Upon the Beloved
With a burning intensity of Love.
One last long look.
Then he turned his back.
And the sky turned black.

The Beloved sought in vain
Another look of love.
Yet Love burned
On within his heart.

The Beloved looked down
Upon the beloved
With a burning intensity of Love.
One long unending look.
Then he offered his back.

Love held together
The nails and the tree.
The Beloved willing
Made the sacrifice.
The Lover consumed the offering.
With a burning intensity of Love.

My Life is a Garden

2009-03-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

Last fall, I worked hard on a little patch of dirt behind my garage. I used a rake to cultivate the soil. I cleared away a number of large rocks that were there. I removed them so that I could plant a garden this spring. But then, over the winter, another layer of rocks worked their way to the surface. I am so frustrated.

My life is like that garden. The rocks are my defects of character and the debris of my self-will and self-reliant living. God clears away the defects that are on the surface. Then the next layer of “rocks” emerges. God is not frustrated. He continues to remove every single defect that stands in the way of his purpose: my usefulness to him and to others. It is a process. It takes time. Thankfully, God continues to cultivate the garden of my life

Sponsorship Is From God

2009-02-01T16:07:00.000-08:00

God, thank you for the wonderful gift of my sponsor. He taught me how to trust when I didn’t know how. He taught me that I am a worthwhile and wonderful person. He taught me how to be in a relationship with someone, which led me to being in a relationship with Someone. He taught me about the steps.

He’s teaching me how to take one step at a time. The step I must now take is to let go. It hurts! If I try to hang on, I won’t be able to anyway, and my “fist will be clenched’. I won’t be able to receive, with open hands, what God has next for me.

Would it have been better if my sponsor had never entered my life? No!

O God! I’m powerless!
You are God.
I choose to give my will and my life over to you in this very difficult moment.
I choose to let go and let God.

God, you are my ultimate sponsor.

Nancy S.

These words were written regarding the move of my beloved sponsor, who was truly a gift from God. They were written on a note, tied to a helium balloon and released into the sky.

A Man Died Today

2009-01-15T08:20:00.001-08:00

The bell rang 33 times,
Only 33 times.
A young man died today.

You’d think with one so young
There would be many to mourn.
No.

For
There was scandal.
There were whispers.
He hung out with other men
(and street people).
One man – were they too close?
He slept with his head on the
young man’s breast!
It just isn’t done.

I looked at him as he hung dying.
He’d been tortured
But he also looked ravaged.
Had he been sick?
Maybe it’s better not to talk
about these things.

A young man died today.

But
He ignored the scandalous lies.
His silent truth
echoed to the heavens.
The pure charity that
he extended,
The chaste intimacy that
he shared
Was not understood.

I looked at him as he hung dying.
I watched as he died.
They pierced his breast!
He was ravaged
by my sin.

Jesus Christ died today.

The Short Steps

2008-12-16T16:08:00.000-08:00

1. Admit Powerlessness
2. Come to Believe
3. Trust God
4. Take an Inventory
5. Open Up
6. Become Willing
7. Surrender Defects
8. Make a List
9. Make Amends
10. Keep Short Accounts
11. Seek God
12. Pass it On

These steps may be short.
They’re long on recovery!

The SA Promises

2008-11-30T09:31:00.000-08:00

You are probably familiar with the Promises of AA. They are even read in some of our meetings. Did you know that in SA, we have our own promises? For those who want recovery there is great hope!

1) Release from the power of addiction
2) Loss of guilt and shame
3) Power over wrong
4) Freedom to do right
5) The ability to live comfortably with ourselves,
6) ….with others,
7) ………and with God.

Some consider the number 7 to be a perfect number. In this case, I think it fits. The program of SA, the working of the Steps and the presence of my Higher Power in my life have given me these very promises.

Nancy S.
adapted from the White Book p. 57

A Candle

2008-11-15T06:26:00.000-08:00

God, may the span of my life be as a candle in your sight. May I stand tall before you in openness and integrity. May I allow you to trim my wick, trimming away anything excess or unneeded. May I lift my wick to the flame of your Spirit, not being afraid of your heat and light. As you light me, may I shine brightly, reflecting your light to those around me.

Melt away any resistance to your working in my life. Slowly, gently, melt away any defects. You do the melting. I cannot do it without the flame of your Spirit. Burn in me. Burn away anything that is displeasing to you. As I melt, mold my wax inward with your gentle hands. May I not fall away from your presence. May all that I am bend in towards your flame. Help me to not resist your hands. I don’t want to be like a candle that has a hole born through the center, yet has lots of wasted wax around the sides.

As the span of my life is slowly consumed, continue to trim my wick as needed to prevent smoke from rising into the air. Instead, may a sweet fragrance rise from my melting wax that is pleasurable to you and to those in my life. In the end, may there be nothing left but your flame. But unlike a candle, may your flame never be extinguished.

God, burn your holy fire in me.

(May this not be just a simple meditation. May it be the cry of my hears.)

Leprosy

2008-11-02T05:55:00.000-08:00

Leprosy is a dread disease. It horribly disfigures and numbs one to pain. If that were not enough, there is an immense social stigma involved. People do not associate with a leper and keep their distance. The leper cries out “Unclean! Unclean!”

Sexaholism is also a disease. It can disfigure a life. It certainly tries to numb me from my pain and my feelings. There is a huge social stigma linked with sexaholism. It is the “leprosy” of all addictions. People do not knowingly associate with me. Although I do not cry out “unclean”, my guilt and shame have certainly made me feel that way.

Modern medicine is now able to arrest the disease of leprosy and prevent many of its devastating effects. By the grace of God and the program of SA, my disease can also be arrested. I learn to feel my feelings. I am given the tools to deal with my pain. The guilt and shame are lifted as I begin to walk in sobriety and true recovery. Thanks be to God that in this day there is a program for me.

Houseplants

2008-10-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

In the past year, I have taken up the hobby of growing houseplants. Before this last year, it seemed as if every plant that I brought into my home died. More likely than not, I neglected them. Even spider plants, which proliferate for others, were doomed to an early demise.

This past year, I was very intentional in creating a “sacred space” in my home. I have hung wine chimes outside of the windows. I can hear them faintly in the breeze. I have an indoor waterfall. The soothing sound of softly flowing water is present. I may have a candle burning. It’s flickering flame and gentle fragrance add to the atmosphere. I often play relaxing instrumental music quietly in the background. Beautiful glassware, in hues of blue, and figurines, depicting signs of life, are tucked into the corners and on the shelves. And then there are my new houseplants. Their green growingness is a testimony to life, serenity and peace.

Houseplants never did well for me before. I neglected them. But now, with care and attention, they are flourishing in the serenity of my sacred space. My own level of serenity is also flourishing. I give it care and attention as well. I have intentionally planned an external sacred space. I also intentionally plan for and set aside time and space in my heart for God. I do not neglect this part of my life.

Scrambled Eggs

2008-09-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

A life affected by addiction is like scrambled eggs. Once scrambled, you can’t unscramble them. You can’t put them back together. Try as you might, you can’t put them back in their shells.

My life will never return to what it was before addiction affected me. I have scrambled myself. I have churned up my relationships. I often whip my circumstances into a frothy mess. But the situation isn’t hopeless. No, whites and yolks can’t be separated again. Neither can eggs be put back into their shells. Like scrambled eggs, my life will never be the same. But I can take those same eggs and I can make an omelet. Or I can make a nice custard pie.

My life can go on after addiction. The outcome can be good. The 12 steps and daily time with my Higher Power are the ingredients that are needed. The result is pleasing and enjoyable. My life of sobriety and recovery “tastes” very good to me.

Pebbles

2008-09-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

A pond can be quiet and still and smooth and serene. It is a gift to come across a secluded, private, peaceful pond.

But I can choose to throw a small pebble into that pond. The effects are immediate and far-reaching. What was once quiet and still is now ruffled and disturbed. And it doesn’t have to be a big rock. A small pebble can cause just as much damage to the smooth surface of the water.

When I choose to let resentments into my life, even “little” ones, my serenity is disturbed. There is immediate damage to the surface of my life. More importantly, it is like a cancer inside of me, creating much inner turbulence and chaos. But I’m selfish. I don’t like to feel this way. Today, I try to catch myself before I throw even small pebbles of resentment into the pond of my soul.

Holy Ground

2008-08-16T03:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I’m in church, I take off my shoes. It’s as if I’m standing in the presence of God on holy ground. It’s as if I need, no want, to stand barefoot before the Lord in awe and humility.

Today I had the honor and privilege of hearing a fifth step. Another traveler on the path of recovery barred her heart and soul to me. She shared things with me that she had never, ever shared with another human being. She was willing to be vulnerable and raw and gut-wrenchingly honest. It was a holy time. God was here. I am so blessed to have been able to witness God’s working in a fellow addict’s life.

Today I stood in awe and humility as I watched and listened to God work. Today I stood on holy ground. Today, I took off my sandals.

HALTS

2008-07-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

For those who have been in 12 step circles for some time, the acronym “HALT” is very familiar. It is important for me to have the presence of mind to recognize that Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired can be windows to threats to my sobriety. I am more vulnerable to temptation when HALT is in play.

But I have come to realize that there are two additional sets of circumstances, which can also find me more vulnerable. Sickness can wear down my defenses. When I am not feeling my best, my radar does not seem to pick up the presence of triggers as easily. And Stress is also a set-up. When I allow stress to crowd out my Higher Power, the promises of steps 2, 3, and 11 are just not a reality for me.

It is not just HALT. It is HALTS! I am grateful for the awareness of these additional areas of vulnerability in my life. I want to always be vigilant against any threats to my sobriety, recovery, and serenity. HALTS helps me to have this awareness.

ODAAT

2008-07-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have often heard old timers say, “one day at a time”. At first I didn’t understand. I was struggling so hard to string together even a few days of sobriety. I thought that when I reached 30 days, I had arrived. I just didn’t understand what it meant to have sobriety, just for today.

Twice, I reached 1-year anniversaries. I was so excited to get my 1-year chip. Then 3 days after my first “birthday”, I lost my sobriety. I had been so focused on what I had achieved that I forgot that it is my God who keeps me sober and that sobriety is only for today. The second time that it happened was 3 days before my anniversary. All of my attention was on what I was going to be able to share with my group about having reached one year. I forgot that I am only promised what I need for today, not for tomorrow and certainly not for the next 3 days.

Now I understand what it means to only have today. I choose to not live in the past or in the future. I live in the present. And the little acronym ODAAT (One Day At A Time) helps me to remember that.

Greenware

2008-07-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

I’ve read that the testing of my faith produces endurance. That the result is that I will be complete, lacking in nothing. Sometimes I don’t understand that. Sometimes I think that it only makes me weary.

In the past, I’ve worked with ceramics. The “greenware”, or formed but unbaked clay pieces, are coated with very dull looking glazes before they are put in the kiln. Then the kiln is fired up. The heat becomes quite intense and lasts for quite a while. Once the kiln is turned off, it must remain completely sealed until it has cooled down to room temperature. If the cover is opened too soon, the ceramic pieces will explode. With patience though, the glazes on the finished pieces become brilliant.

Sometimes I seem to be like a piece of greenware. I have been formed by the hands of my Higher Power while seeming to whirl around on the potter’s wheel of life. I am coated in the dullness of everyday living. I am tried and tested by the fires of difficult circumstances. I need to be patient. Sometimes I almost feel like I will explode if I have to wait any longer to see the results in my life. But I need to persist in the face of time. What once seemed dull and even difficult can turn brightly colored. The testing of my faith does produce endurance. I am complete – complete in God.

God With Skin On

2008-06-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

The road of recovery is a spiritual one. Steps 2, 3, and 11, speak of a Power greater than ourselves. A God as we understand him. Step 12 talks about “Having had a spiritual awakening…” The Big Book refers to a “…a necessary spiritual experience…”

But many folks recoil from the thought of God. Their experience with God has been a negative one. Or they do not believe in a god at all. Or have searched for God, but haven’t seemed to be able to find anything. We need a spiritual Connection, but we don’t know how to connect.

Some of us, especially in the beginning, have turned to the group as our Higher Power. There is something in a group that is bigger than us. We find a power in the success and experience of others that encourages us on our own journey. I am very blessed by my group. For me, they are “God with skin on”.

Gardenias and Jades

2008-06-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

I love to watch plants grow. There is something amazing and wondrous about the appearance of new life. Among others, I have a gardenia and a jade plant. They are very different in their patterns of growth. The gardenia bursts forth in flowers almost as quickly as time lapsed photography. In the span of less than one day, I have watched buds open into blossoms, right before my eyes. The jade, on the other hand, is painfully slow. I can watch, even for weeks, as tiny pairs of leaves poke out from the middle of existing branches. I have to be so very patient as I wait for the jade to change.

Change in my life is like that too. There are times when major change can occur in a very short period of time. But often, that is not the case. Many, if not most changes, take time to evolve. Daily or monthly or even yearly changes may be difficult for me to detect.

I have to be patient. As surely as plants, with care, grow and change, my life changes as well. When I intentionally care for my spirit, my mind, and my body, my life does change. Sometimes the change is rapid. Sometimes it happens rather slowly. It will always take place.

Cows

2008-05-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

In the meadow, cows stand lazily under the shade of a tree. They swish their tails. They chew their cuds. They stand there so unperturbed by their surroundings.

What is a cud? Cows chew and chew and chew. They finally swallow what they are chewing. Then they regurgitate and chew some more. They may do this several times. Cows find it so satisfying to chew their cud over and over again.

I am like that when I rehash resentments. I mull then over and over in my mind. I may choose to swallow them and forget about them for a time. But after a while I rehearse the circumstances over again, finding satisfaction in my justifiable resentments. In reality, what I am doing is regurgitating them. I want to taste them again. I find delight in doing so. Isn’t that a disgusting thought? But really, if you think about, that is exactly what I am doing.

As a sexaholic, I cannot afford to hold on to resentments. They threaten my sobriety. May I learn to recoil from resentments as I would recoil from my own “regurgitation”.

A Stone Wall

2008-05-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

One spring day, I walked upon a stone wall. As the young will do, I pondered the meaning of life. I was nearing the end of my college years. It seemed as if I was coming to an abrupt halt after so many years of learning.

I continued to walk on the wall. Ahead of me, I saw many trees covered with flowers and showing signs of new growth. Violets nestled in the grass below me. The sky was blue and white and vast above me. Everything around me was alive and vibrant. Maybe my life wasn’t coming to a halt. Maybe, like spring, I was entering a new season, a new kind of learning. Maybe the wall did not represent a barrier on my journey. Maybe it was more like a bridge. A bridge towards hope. A bridge leading to growth and change.

My life came to an abrupt halt when I started on the path of addiction. It was as if a stone wall blocked my way. I became stunted. I stopped developing into the person that God intended me to be. But addiction need not be a barrier. I can start on a new path of learning. The 12 steps provide the bridge. Through these steps and the fellowship, I enter a new season. My life now is filled with hope and growth and change.

Quicksand

2008-04-17T00:17:00.000-07:00

Quicksand is gripping and powerful. It can pull me in, cover me over and suck the life out of me. It is unrelenting in its grasp. It is useless to fight it. My flailing attempts to release myself only make my predicament worse. The only way out is to lay back, float, and wait for a rescue.

Temptations to act out in my addiction can be as tenacious as quicksand. They seem to suck me into their alluring grasp. There often seems to be no way out. What I have found is that fighting them only gives them strength. White knuckling doesn’t work.

However, there is a way out. I can lay back into the arms of my God and surrender. I don’t have to give in. I can give up and ask God to rescue me. It seems scary at first to not be fighting the temptations with all of my might. But I have found that that only empowers them. Surrender has become a beautiful word. I can give up instead of giving in.

Contentment

2008-03-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I decided to read a little booklet titled “Acceptance”. I read that “….contentment consists not in getting what (I) want but in enjoying what (I) have.”

What!?!? You mean enjoying even my most difficult trial? That person or circumstance in my life that is like a constant dripping faucet? That situation that pounds relentlessly against me like the surf of the sea?

Well, let me think this through. What about the fact that this very trial, more than anything else, has driven me to the arms of my God? Maybe if my situation were more pleasing to me, I might think that I didn’t need God.

If I think this through, I really wouldn’t trade what I have for what I thought I wanted. It’s not been easy, but slowly, ever so slowly, I’m learning to be content.

A Pearl

2008-03-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

Oysters are craggy and rough looking on the outside. But inside, they often contain a pearl. This pearl forms when a tiny grain of sand enters the life of the oyster. Ever so slowly, shimmering layers coat this ever-present irritant. Were it not for the grain of sand, a pearl would never result.

My life often contains irritants that I would rather not have present. Circumstances, people, things or institutions may intrude in on me. I would rather be rid of them, or better yet, not ever experience them in the first place. However, my Higher Power may allow these irritants to remain.

I can choose to respond with anger or resentment. Or I can also choose to respond with acceptance and surrender. I can choose to believe that I would not have things otherwise even if I could. It is when I choose these attitudes that my God can work wondrous miracles. He can build a pearl in my life that would otherwise not be possible

The Monument

2008-03-03T10:36:00.001-08:00

Many of you knew Jesse L.
It's been several years since he passed away.
I found this poem on his desk the day of his memorial service.
I'd like to post it in his memory.

The Monument

God,
before He sent his children to earth,
gave each of them
a very carefully selected package
of troubles.

These,
He promised smiling,
are yours alone.
No one else may have the blessings
these problems will bring you

And only you
have the special talents and abilities
that will be needed to make these problems
your servants.

Know that I love you
beyond all measure.

These problems that I gave you
are a symbol of that love.
The monument you make of your life,
with the help of your problems,
will be a symbol of your
love for me.

Your Higher Power

My Life Preserver

2008-01-30T05:04:00.000-08:00

Lust temptations remind me of the ocean. The surface is often beautiful and inviting. Little is seen of the dangers lurking beneath.

Sometimes they’re like the undertow. It is hardly noticeable at first. Then before I know it, it has pulled me far from where I want to be. It can seize me with its strength and tenacity and force me to where I can’t breathe. Sometimes they’re like huge waves. They come relentlessly, bowling me over time and time again.

God is my life Preserver. He is always there waiting for me to grab hold. I can’t save myself, but I can reach out. I can reach out and surrender to Him. God is the one who keeps me afloat.

Without a Doubt

2008-01-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt, I know that the sun is present even if the day is cloudy. Without a doubt, I know that gravity will keep me from falling off of the earth. Without a doubt, I know that the world will not blow completely apart even though the nucleus of every atom is made up of electrons which would repel themselves in an instant were it not for God holding them together.

May I not doubt the presence and power of that same God even though I cannot physically see Him and at times my personal world seems like it is spinning out of control.

Intense Pursuit

2007-12-11T01:46:00.000-08:00

God intensely pursues us. His strong Feet and Voice patiently seek after us. Patiently, persistently, relentlessly, unceasingly They pursue us. His Hand caressingly reaches out for us, to hold us and to touch us and to feel us and to know us. His gentle yet peering Gaze strips us of our defenses. In our fear of intimacy, we flee. We hide – as if we can hide from His gentle all knowingness. This knowingness penetrates our gaping hearts and desires to fill the hole within us. We crouch as if trying to cover ourselves. He gently parts the veil of our fears and sees. He longs, yearns, pleads for our restless spirits to quieten for just a moment, a moment with Him.

these thoughts were inspired by "Hound of Heaven", Francis Thompson

Be Still

2007-11-29T07:49:00.000-08:00

As I sit today to write, my body is jittery. My thoughts are jumbled. My spirit is unsettled. I need to take some time to quiet myself down. Right now, I need to slow down in all three areas – body, mind and spirit. I need to stop for a few moments so that God can bring balance and harmony into my life. In this moment, I need to stop “doing” so that I can just be a “being”.

I’ve read: “Be still and know that I am God.” I also like: Be still and know that I am me.

I stop, close my eyes, breathe deeply and feel my body relax. I take just a moment to stop the rat race in my mind. I drink in the presence of the Presence.

Ashes

2007-11-15T07:39:00.000-08:00

A forest stands powerless before a fire. The fire rages, swiftly consuming all that stands in its path. It is out of control. What was once a forest is now burnt and barren. Nothing but ashes. Nothing untouched. Then, unbelievably, the ashes left behind enrich the soil. They become a bed for new growth. And after a time new life does appear. Miraculous, that something so destroyed can become beautiful again.

My life was destroyed by addiction. I was the fire. My choices had consumed everything in their wake. I was out of control. It seemed as if the only thing left was ash. But my Higher Power took those very ashes and began his work. I admitted utter powerlessness and through that admission God began to restore me. It is a process. It takes time for that new growth to appear. But as surely as a forest can be rebuilt after a fire, my life can be rebuilt as well. Unbelievably, my very weakness, my addiction, becomes the vehicle by which God draws me to himself. Unbelievably, I am relieved of my bondage. God uses my past and my difficulties to bring others into recovery. I bear witness to God’s power and his love. I have a new way of life.

A Prayer

2007-11-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

The Lord’s Prayer is a prayer that many of us say at the close of our meetings. For whatever reason, it’s the prayer that the early AA’s chose to recite together. Although this prayer carries a connection to some specific religious circles, it also has a sense of universality. We feel connected as we circle to together and share its familiar words in the intimacy of our recovery groups.

As an addict, the words “give us this day our daily bread” mean a great deal to me. They remind me of my utter dependence on God. They help me to remember my need to live life one day at a time. They remind me that my Higher Power desires to have me come on a daily basis to ask for my needs to be met. I ask for this day and for this day, my God supplies.

The Turning Point

2007-10-17T03:51:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day. A brand new gift from my Higher Power. A “turning point”. Today I can choose to embrace my new life. I can choose freedom and recovery. God’s protection is always with me when I surrender my life to him. But I can also stand at this same turning point and choose to return to my old ways. I can choose to act out in my addiction. Today I find myself at a turning point. By the grace of God, may I choose his way. May I choose recovery.

Second Step Prayer:
God, I’m standing at the turning point right now. Give me your protection and care as I abandon myself to you and give up my old ways and old ideas, just for today. (Big Book pp 58-59)

The Paralytic

2007-10-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

An ancient story tells of a paralytic. He is carried by four of his friends to a man of healing. When they arrive, there is a large crowd. The friends need to go out of their way to reach their goal. Happily, the man is healed of his affliction. He is able to walk with his friends now at his side.

I am like the paralytic. My life was frozen in my addiction. Then my friends carried the message of recovery to me. They went out of their way and gave of their time. Happily, I received what they had to share. While I wasn’t healed, my disease went into remission. As long as I work the steps of recovery, I am now able to walk in a new way. Thankfully, my friends are still at my side. I cannot walk alone. I need the fellowship of the program to support me on my journey.

A Tribute to My Higher Power

2007-09-16T02:11:00.000-07:00

God, I come into your presence
And I bare to you these scars.
Some received in private battle
Some obtained in public wars
Even some were self-inflicted
But no matter how they came
I now bare them all before you
To the honor of your name.

All my wounds cry Alleluia.
All my bruises honor you.
Every scar is just a trophy
Of your grace that brought me through.
And the tears I wept before you
When I didn’t understand,
Are now diamonds of recovery
Sparkling in your very hands

Adapted from:
All My Wounds Cry Alleluia, Clay McClean

A Geode

2007-09-06T03:08:00.000-07:00

The outside of a geode is rather ordinary looking, if not ugly. There is little to tell of the treasures inside. A vice is needed to grip the geode tightly. Then certain techniques are applied to crack it open and reveal its hidden wonders. Left alone, no one would begin to guess its miraculous, glittering contents.

My life as an addict is like a geode. I am a rock. Alone. Closed off from the world. I am afraid to let anyone in. I consider myself, and my ways of acting out, to be quite ugly. I find myself in the grips of addiction, unable to escape.

Then I am exposed to the steps of recovery. I begin to allow myself to be cracked open. The healing is wondrous. I am no longer alone. My inner life becomes a shining miracle of God’s abundant grace.

Surrender

2007-08-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

Someone once asked me the secret of victorious living. I told him that there is no magic formula. But if any one word could describe it, it would be surrender.

You may ask, "How can I surrender my life?"...There needs to be confession of wrongs and a complete yielding of every area of our lives, personalities, and wills to our Higher Power -- plus faith that God will accept that commitment.

It's not enough for us to have taken the Third Step. It is not enough to have prayed, for the first time, at a specific point in time, the third step prayer. We cannot walk successfully in the glow of that experience for the rest of our lives. We need to return and renew those commitments with God on a daily basis. We need to take inventory and have regular spiritual checkups.

.....daily surrender -- that's the key to daily victory.

adapted from Hope for Each Day, Graham

Incense

2007-08-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

Gold and silver are not beautiful and pure until heat is applied. The dross then comes to the surface so that it can be skimmed off. Diamonds, before the chisel, are inert, ugly rocks. Incense, without fire, has no sweet smell.

In recovery, the heat of the steps allows my defects to surface and be removed. The diamond chisel of member relating to program member turns my life into one that radiates the light of my new found freedom. The fire of the working of my Higher Power burns through me. I am the incense, a fragrance for all I touch.

Essentials for Recovery

2007-07-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

There are essentials for the management of diabetes. I know. I have the disease. It is important for me to build a daily plan for health into my life. Included are the disciplines of daily medication, exercise and nutrition. I will never be free from diabetes. However, I can keep my disease in remission.

I have another disease. It is the disease of addiction. It is important for the management of my addiction to also incorporate specific disciplines. I must practice daily prayer and meditation, or contact with my Higher Power. This can be in whatever way is meaningful to me. I need to be “exercising” the Steps, yes actively and in written form, working the Steps on a daily basis. For my diabetes I work with a nutritionist. In my recovery program I have a sponsor. I practice accountability through a short daily phone call with my sponsor.

I have had the disease of diabetes for over a year now. By including what I need in my plan for health, I have been able to keep my diabetes under control. I admitted that I was powerless over addiction over 14 years ago. Today I practice these daily disciplines of prayer, step work and accountability, all built on a foundation of rigorous honesty. I do not control my addiction, but I am recovering. I am “in remission”. By the grace of God, I will continue to do so, one day at a time.

Not a Slip

2007-07-04T05:56:00.000-07:00

A slip is an accident. I have nothing to do with it. It comes across my path like a discarded banana peel. Before I know it, I’ve taken a terrific fall.

On the other hand, when a temptation to act out on my addiction comes along, my response is not an accident. I can choose the path to recovery. I can choose to surrender and release the temptation and walk free. Or if I like, I can choose to act in a manner contrary to my recovery. I can choose to deliberately act against myself. If I do, I am responsible for my fall. My intent and my choices will have led to that fall.

In program, I learn that I have a choice. No, I can’t control temptations. But I can choose to not fall into them. Let’s call it what it is. It is not just a “slip”. It’s an “ASD”, an Act of Self Destruction.

The Weaver

2007-06-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

(author unknown)

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors.
He worketh steadily.
Oft time he weaves in sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget he sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttle cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern he hath planned.

I heard this at a conference especially for addicts. My hope is that it will bless you as it has blessed me.

Birds

2007-06-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Temptations to return to my addiction abound. You might say, in many ways, that temptations are like birds. It is almost as if they are “in the air". They may just fly way up above me, barely making their presence known. These may be among the most difficult because of their subtlety. Sometimes they circle overhead. I am well aware that they are there. At times they come in flocks. It is if they swoop and dive, actively seeking me as their prey. Then there are the times where it seems to be all but impossible to keep them from landing and taking over my life.

There is nothing wrong with being tempted. In program I have learned that while temptations do come, I do not have to give in to them. Every time, I can surrender and find peace. Each and every time, I can choose to remain free from my addiction. As my first sponsor used to say, “Birds will fly over my head but I don’t have to let them build a nest in my hair!”.

Acceptance

2007-05-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

Resentment is the number one killer of addicts. It surely leads me right back to my disease. But when I pray for the one that I resent, God can relieve me of my resentment. I have discovered a set of prayers that have been very effective in my life in transforming my negative attitudes:

1) First settle myself in God’s presence.
2) Then pray to accept the situation.
3) Pray that God can work in me to free me from any resentment.
4) Ask that I might be able to treat the person in a way that God would desire.
5) Pray that God would abundantly bless that person.
6) Then pray that I might be able to leave any outcome in God’s hands.

Mine is a disease of misconnections. But I have found that what started as a misconnection can move to forgiveness and acceptance by the grace and working of my Higher Power.

Nancy S.
Adapted from Recovery Continues p. 93

The Fellowship

2007-05-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Redwood trees have shallow roots. Standing by themselves, with one small wind they easily topple. It is only by interlocking with the root systems of others that they are able to grow strong and tall, a beautiful tribute to God’s creation.

As an addict, I am only “one drink” away from “toppling” and going back “out there”. The fellowship offers me the support system of other recovering addicts to help me to grow strong – strong in recovery – and able to stand tall and free. I become a beautiful example of what my Higher Power can do in one life, surrounded by the fellowship of others

A Diamond

2007-04-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

The minimum number of cuts that a diamond is required to have in order to meet certain specifications is 52. As gift, I recently received a very beautiful diamond pendant. This diamond was not ordinary. It had 72 cuts or 72 beautiful facets with which to reflect the many colors of light.

My life as an addict was full of bumps and bruises. It was unmanageable. I was insane. Many times I hurt or "cut" myself deeply. It often seemed as if I had many more cuts than most. Then somehow, someway, my Higher Power took those very cuts and fashioned me into a “diamond”. I no longer regret my past, nor wish to shut the door on it. Somehow, I see that my past and my experiences as an addict can now be used to benefit others. I reflect what I have received. I reflect the beautiful light of recovery

Crocuses

2007-04-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

I planted bulbs last fall. They didn’t look like much. They looked dried and dead. They certainly didn’t look like flowers.

In late winter a miraculous thing happened. While it was still frosty, little green shoots started to peek themselves out of the cold hard ground. Soon buds formed. Then the crocus blooms appeared. They lifted their heads, a joyous demonstration of God’s creation.

My life as an addict didn’t look like much either. Then the opportunity for a new way was offered to me. While my defects were still glaring, the miracle of sobriety was given to me. Then, little by little, a life of recovery started to bloom. What a wondrous thing! I am now able, by the grace of God, to stand tall, joyous and free.

God Keeps Me Sober

2007-03-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

As a trapeze artist, the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything. The flyer simply stretches out his arms and hands and waits for the catcher to catch and pull the flyer to safety.

As an addict, I am the "flyer" and my Higher Power is the "catcher". "Don't be afraid. Remember.... God will be there when you make your long jump. He is the catcher. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust."

adapted from Nouwen, Our Greatest Gift