In the meadow, cows stand lazily under the shade of a tree. They swish their tails. They chew their cuds. They stand there so unperturbed by their surroundings.
What is a cud? Cows chew and chew and chew. They finally swallow what they are chewing. Then they regurgitate and chew some more. They may do this several times. Cows find it so satisfying to chew their cud over and over again.
I am like that when I rehash resentments. I mull then over and over in my mind. I may choose to swallow them and forget about them for a time. But after a while I rehearse the circumstances over again, finding satisfaction in my justifiable resentments. In reality, what I am doing is regurgitating them. I want to taste them again. I find delight in doing so. Isn’t that a disgusting thought? But really, if you think about, that is exactly what I am doing.
As a sexaholic, I cannot afford to hold on to resentments. They threaten my sobriety. May I learn to recoil from resentments as I would recoil from my own “regurgitation”.
5 comments:
Hi Nancy- As someone who was raised in Wisconsin!!! Great meditation!!
We were up in Wisconsin Dells last week at our condo and the cows were still grazing and chewing. That’s why I’m grateful for the slogan/concept of “progress not perfection”. Nobody, including me can get rid of resentments perfectly and fast and forever. But making progress on letting them go is a wonderful gift. And after 10 years in program, I’m beginning to appreciate some of the changes that have occurred.
So, thank you again for your willingness to sponsor me and help me work my steps!! It has made such an amazing difference in the way I see life and the way I am willing to change my attitudes and my behaviors!!
Sincerely,
Angela
Nancy, I thank you for the meditiation- cows...
It's synchronous - today's reading in 'Daily Reflections" happens to be as follows,
Know God; Know Peace
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to a life of futility and
unhappiness....But with the (sexaholic) this business of resentment is infinitely grave.
AA p. 66
A resentaholic, I cannot afford the negativity of trying others or things out in the court of my mind.
I do not have insight into another's mind or soul; I barely know myself. This morning, I started talking to my wife, taking another's inventory, my wife who was standing right there said to me
'You do the exact same thing...that's you.'
She's right; as one member said, 'when I spot 'it',
I got it."
Thanks very much for having the presence to put this blog out there.
Blessings,
Eric S.
THank you for this reflection. I can SO relate! It was a timely reminder to consider what I spend my thoughts and emotions on - my current experience and the goals I am nurturing - or the damage and disappointment of my past.
Mary W.
I like the image of resentments as cud: greasy, green, partially digested gobs of yuck that might be healthy for cows.
To take the analogy a step further, I guess it's best if I spit out the regurgitated crap that comes up from time to time.
You'd think sooner or later the cud bucket would get empty, but mine only lays fallow for awhile before the next burp comes along!
Nancy,
Thanks for the image of me chewing my resentments over, and over, and over. I seem to swallow them for a few months, but they keep coming back and I have to work my program hard when they do.
Just what I needed to read this week!
God Bless,
Larry
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